I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
