U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
