We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
