so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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