Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
