I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
