I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
