I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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