I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
