i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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