Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
