ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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