I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
