Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
