It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
