I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
