I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
