I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
