he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
