So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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