She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
