U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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