i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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