If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
