the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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