I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
