I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The air was thick with penises
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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