I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
