I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
