I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we're making bets on your personal life
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There r osticjed everywhere
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
