Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
