I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
