Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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