When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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