I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Randomize
