I wish I could teleport
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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