So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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