being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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