I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
