what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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