I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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