my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
