I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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