there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
