Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How does one acquire holy water?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
