He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
