I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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