I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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