hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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