...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
