Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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