I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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